Friday, September 9, 2011

Reality Break

I don't know about you, but I've had enough reality for one week. Between the fires in Texas and the floods here in Virginia, there doesn't seem to be much balance. On a normal Friday in September, I'd be at school teaching sixth grade. Today was supposed to be Locker Day, which involves helping a hyper 11 year old learn to open a locker, explaining the difficulty of opening a locker if they've left the combination in the locker, gently pointing them in the direction of their locker after they've spent 10 minutes trying to open the wrong locker, etc. But due to flooding caused by over 11 inches of rain, I'm at home in my pajamas. I'm not complaining! It just feels weird.

Fantasy: My garden is a perfect Utopia full of soil so rich, moist, and well drained, an entire issue of Fine Gardening has been created to feature it.

Reality: There's a section near the dog run so dry and shady, it's been named the Bed of Death and Misery. Local nurseries, upon discovering I've rounded up another batch of sacrificial plants to replace last season's losses, refuse to sell to me and have my picture posted near the registers.

Fantasy: I'm a Brazilian supermodel.

Reality: I'm half human, half naked mole rat, and have an extra ear.

Fantasy: Everything I plant bursts from the ground with such enthusiasm and vigor, I garden in full hockey gear to keep from getting injured.

Reality: I once had a rose die within 24 hours of coming home from the nursery and being planted in my garden. A small white flag and a hastily scrawled note that read "You've got to be kidding me, lady" were all it left behind.

Fantasy: A series of interconnected underground springs waters my garden and lawn for me every other day, while my own personal garden fairy keeps my pots watered and fertilized.

Reality: Once my rain barrels are empty, my city water bill rivals the tuition of a small, ivy covered private college.

Fantasy: My dogs are so vigilant at keeping squirrels out of the feeders that the squirrels buy timed admission tickets to the garden and are escorted out once they've met their allotted seed consumption limits.

Reality: One dog is snoring, another is farting, two are clueless, and the last one is looking out the wrong window while a squirrel is eating its body weight in seed.


  1. this is a riot! Sorry you don't have school starting yet. My two kids are both teaching sixth grade-- one has math and the other is teaching special ed. Math child is in NC and already missed a number of days because of the hurricane and loss of power. Special Ed child waded through flood waters today for the second day with kids in NJ.
    I love your fantasy life....perfect!
    My husband had an office plant like that in the cartoon... he named it the Grateful Dead plant.

  2. Reality: You make me laugh out loud!! Thank you...i needed that today.

  3. This post perfectly met my need for a good laugh after all the 'water' in my life lately. Particularly love the squirrel part -- and I don't even have a dog. P. x

  4. You gave me a good laugh, just when I needed one. Although I am a little distressed about the 11 years olds having so much difficulty with locker navigation, poor things.

    Enjoy your autumn garden!

  5. You are a riot! It is sometimes nice to live in a fantasy world instead of reality! I wish the rain would have been spread around a little more. They certainly need it in Texas. We got maybe 1" of rain. I was hoping for more but we'll take what we can get.

  6. If only we could live in a fantasy world...(sometimes)
    Your sense of humor makes reality seem so much better. Sorry to hear about the floods. Hope they didn't do too much damaege.

  7. What a great laugh, I needed it after such a tough week... Cute!!!!

  8. I had no idea it was so difficult to operate a locker! I laughed at the snoring farting dogs. Both hubby and the cat snore and it makes me crazy.

  9. I am sorry for your troubles even though I couldn't stop laughing. I can relate to many points in your story (high water bills are particularly painful), so you are not alone. I am sorry you have had so much rain - we are still waiting for it.

  10. You are so funny! I'm glad you're a keeping a sense of humor after a soggy week. Hope your home survived the deluge! Next week will be better, and you can deal with hyper 11-year-olds instead of water-logged plants. :)

  11. Jennifer@threedogsinagarden
    Tammy, I am here by myself this weekend, the rest of the family is away at camp, and so I thought that I would stop in because: 1. I don't want to go to bed alone 2. It is a good excuse to leave the dishes in the sink for a few more minutes 3. I knew I would be in for a good laugh.
    Is it crazy to sit in an empty house and giggle at a words and images on a computer screen? Well then, guilty as charged!

  12. LOL! You made me laugh...very funny post! Like you, I have had my fill of natural disasters. i think it is time for a break.

  13. Those 11 year old kids are lucky to have you! Thanks for the diversion from all the craziness...we've all had our fair share this year. You never fail to delight!

  14. One of my best friends is a junior high teacher, and she has shared with me the JOY of teaching locker basics. As usual, you crack me up. I reposted your tales of joy and woe on my blog, because this kind of good stuff ought to be disseminated like thistle seed! :)


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