I just, like, moved next door to this really hot chick. She smells like flowers and her hair shines in the sunlight, Venus and Aphrodite rolled into one. ( I seen that in a book and it sounded smart.) She's in her garden all da time and I really wanna ask her out but, like, I'm really shy. Don't tell no one. I need yo advice.
Ain't Got Nobody
A weird guy moved in next door and spends his free time in the shrubbery spying on me. I thought this was pretty creepy so I went over and asked him what he was doing. I was armed with a shovel in case I had to take him down. He saw me coming and jumped straight up like a dang squirrel, getting his head caught in the branches. I figured he had that coming so I left him there. Jerk.
Ah man, things took a real bad turn. I was trying to be all sly by hiding in the bushes while she was in the garden but she saw me! She started coming over and I freaked out. I wanted to be all friendly and stuff and say something really cool like, "Hey baby. Nice tool." but I got my head all tangled in the branches and all that come out my mouth was " Waaayy aby ice drool." She ain't ever gonna go out with me. I really need yo help.
Still Ain't Got Nobody
Ok, remember when I told you about my weird neighbor? I felt bad about leaving him in the shrubs so I went back out, still holding my shovel, to check on him. His head was tilted at an odd angle and he was still staring at me but now he was mumbling about drool. All I was trying to do was work in the garden but now I have to watch out for my drooling neighbor. I don't get it. Why would someone drool? I thought only dogs did that. Am I missing something?
Just Trying to Garden
Dear Ain't and Irritated,
Ain't - I would suggest not hiding in the shrubs unless you want to meet the business end of your neighbors shovel. Go next door like a normal human and introduce yourself. It's almost Valentine's Day so maybe a packet of seeds would be appreciated.
Irritated - Your weird neighbor has a crush on you so please resist attacking him with large tools. When he comes over keep the tissues handy. I think he drools.