Saturday, May 2, 2015

Dear Aunt Marilyn,

There is  no sane way to describe what happened today so I'm just going to tell you everything. Last Monday I decided I needed some help in the garden. With schoolwork piling up and weeds taking over, I thought that maybe, just this once, I'd hire an assistant for a single day.

I'd spotted an ad in one of the local papers that advertised gardeners to help spring clean your garden. I'd never heard of Odd Bodies Garden Services but since weeding and digging little trenches between the grass and garden is so easy, I thought even a relatively inexperienced gardener could still be useful.



I'm training this 'Major Wheeler' honeysuckle to grow through my trumpet creeper. Who over comes to help will have to leave it alone.



When I called to inquire about the hourly rates and skill level of the gardeners, a man with an strangely deep and slightly weird voice answered. He was a bit of a mumbler and I was becoming frustrated so I decided to end the call and do the work myself when he suddenly started shouting. He was yelling about some guy named Stefano who was the most skilled of their gardeners. He was tall, muscular, and had a big shovel.

Excuse me? 




I'll need to let them know these bird eggs are fake but the nest is real so they don't worry.

Mr. Odd Bodies continued. Stefano was an expert gardener who celebrated all garden holidays. I had no idea gardeners had holidays but was becoming intrigued. He would email me a confirmation with a photo of Stefano so I knew who to expect.

Holy Hot Tamales, Marilyn. When I opened my email, I nearly died. I've attached the photo Mr Odd Bodies sent.  After pounding myself on the chest to get my heart beating again, I searched Google for garden holidays and soon realized Saturday, May 2 is World Naked Gardening Day.


How the heck was I supposed to maintain my composure while Stefano worked in my garden completely naked? Naked, Marilyn! As in not-a-single-stitch-of-clothing. I devised a plan to wear huge dark sunglasses so he'd never know where my eyes were while I 'supervised'.

By Saturday morning, I was focusing on ice cubes and glaciers to keep my body temperature down. World Naked Gardening Day was going to be my new favorite holiday. But 10 am came and went and no Stefano. By 11 my cell phone was buzzing like crazy with a notification from Odd Bodies. Stefano was running late and had sent a replacement. Was he crazy? I didn't want a replacement!

When the doorbell rang, I casually answered it. I tried to appear calm, cool, and collected. I adopted my best, "Why yes, I always have gorgeous men wandering my garden naked" attitude. But when the door opened, it was not Stefano who stood on my porch but this guy. 


Needless to say, I pulled all my own damn weeds. I hate World Naked Gardening Day.

Love, 
Tammy

67 comments:

  1. Whew is it hot in here or what? Oh someone throw some cold water on me....and there you go, the bottom of the post....thanks a lot.

    I don't think we will be celebrating that holiday...the mosquitoes are getting more then their share already. LOL.

    Jen

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    1. This post does get a bit steamy in the middle, doesn't it? But that photo at the end is a total cold shower. There is no conceivable way i'd garden naked unless my garden had very high walls.

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  2. Lol. This is just the way my luck would run too.
    There'll be very little naked gardening done in the south west of England today I can tell you. It is blowing a gale, hurling it with rain and it's friggin' freezing.

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    1. I'm sure there are enough nudists around who will garden naked for you. ;o)

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  3. Haha, good one! I could probably do some naked gardening out there today, and give my neighbors a visual treat that is almost as lovely as the dead and dying cars and trucks that they park on their front lawn.

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    1. If you have to look at their junky cars, they can look at your bare ass. Maybe Stefano will pop over to make the manscape more appealing. ;o)

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  4. Hee hee...! I'd get a sunburn here today if I gardened naked. Although I'm on an acreage surrounded by fields, so no one would see me if I did run around butt-nekkid. Thanks for the laugh! -Beth

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    1. I have zero privacy so if I gardened naked you'd hear the screams all the way to Iowa!

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  5. Hiiihiiii, you always are so funny. I am glad it is still far too cold here to celebrate World Naked Gardening Day and moreover I don't want a scary naked gardener's guy in my garden. And....I suppose the passers by are not waiting to watch an old naked woman gardener like me.

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    1. If Mr Bean, the guy in the bottom photo, showed up and wanted to garden naked, I'd just go back to bed. Some things are best left unseen.

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  6. I wonder how Odd Bodies Garden Services observes other holidays...

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    1. I just hope they do it fully clothed!

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  7. Naked in the garden? Ha! Mosquitos and ticks and spiders, oh my!

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    1. Three good reasons to stay fully clothed!

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  8. Wow. I didn't know where this was going to end and was just hoping rose pruning wasn't on the to-do list!

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    1. It's a good thing pruning wasn't anywhere on the list!

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  9. Hahahahahaha!!!! You slay me! When I started reading it I thought she's hiring someone to weed her garden, wow she must be really overwhelmed as I know we can all get particular about that ( I had a friend help me once and it was the worst decision ever!)! Naked Gardening Day, who thinks this stuff up?! Wow if Stefano was coming over I think I would have a nervous collapse!! Honestly, you are the best! Have a good one ;)

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    1. The idea of anyone other than me working in my garden makes me crazy! This whole post is just a bit of silliness. But if Stefano shows up, I may change my mind!

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  10. Goodness, is this the sort of thing you should be discussing with your Aunt Marylin? A bit of help in the garden would be wonderful, but I I would prefer my gardeners clothed. Who on earth would garden naked? Far too dangerous, what with stinging things and scratching things and thorns and a sunburnt bottom. I wouldn't mind Mr. Bean in the garden. He would make you laugh, far better than Stefano strutting about, posing and showing off his muscles.

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    1. Marilyn isn't proper or stuffy. She's strong and amazing and if a gorgeous naked man wandered around in my garden and I didn't tell her, she'd be upset. We email each other weekly which is part of why I chose to write this post in a letter format. Mr Bean would make me laugh, though, and that quality is a vital one. :o)

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  11. Yikes and double yikes! I can't even bear to look at that second guy.

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    1. Mr Bean definitely cools things off.

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  12. This is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. I had no idea about the importance of May 2! I totally missed it!

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    1. I wonder how many people really celebrate it. Although there is a garden is England where the gardeners only garden naked. I am not that brave!

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  13. Har har har! Thanks for the laugh. I needed that. :D

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  14. I just knew this would be about Naked Gardening Day....you made my weekend.

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    1. Yay! A bit of silly fluff is just what we need sometimes. :o)

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  15. Yeah, I think clothes should be mandatory when gardeing. It's a wild, wild world out there. Now, sitting on the patio with a cool drink on a hot day "viewing" the garden--who needs clothes for that? ;-)

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    1. Had Stefano shown up there would have been a lot of viewing!

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  16. Could you imagine!!!! HA!!! This was awesome buddy! Though the beans did find a way to celebrate this unintentionally of course! Sprinkler came out and diapers came off as I planted seeds! So fun Tammy! You're the best! Happy gardening this week! Nicole xo

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    1. One of the best things about being a kid is the ability to strip naked on a whim and get away with it. :o) Have a great week!

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  17. Tammy girl ... just be glad he didn't have a giant turkey stuck on his head too .... I stopped believing in holidays .... big fat liars all of them ! LOL
    Joy
    PS ... you did get a good cardio work out for a few minutes at least m!

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    1. Had I found a gorgeous naked man in my garden, World Naked Gardening Day would have become my favorite holiday. ;o)

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  18. How did I miss this important holiday? Alas, I am sure I would NOT end up with a Stefano but with a Bean. I do so look forward to your posts... :)

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    1. Can you imagine if everyone gardened naked? How hysterical would that be? I can just imagine the conversations, "Hey hon, come rub sunscreen on my butt. I need to weed the garden."

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  19. Mr. Bean is a surprisingly skilled lover. I mean, weeder!

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    1. I'll take your word on that! Now dish the details.... ;o)

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  20. You're saying you don't like Mr. Bean?

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    1. It's hard to compete with Stefano. My favorite Rowan Atkinson character is the guy in Love Actually. Mr Bean is funny but annoying.

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  21. LIfe is full of rude awakenings. Still, I would like to adopt Aunt Marilyn.

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    1. I'm hogging her all to myself. But I guarantee you would love her. She's wonderful!

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  22. Well....here I sit, in a little cottage, nestled in the woods, with the rain hammering all around....The internet connection suddenly roared into life and your post was sitting there....
    Hahahahaha.....what brilliance!!! Holy Hot Tamales!!! I was shuddering in horror imagining Mr B complete with an enormous shovel....look away!!!
    I am laughing out loud here, Odd Bodies Garden services, strange deep/weird voices....World Naked Gardening Day.....you should be writing a daily column somewhere. It's always such a treat to visit!!! Shine on girrrl!
    Love the eggs in the nest and that heavenly honeysuckle!!!

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    1. Thanks! I wanted to write about gardening naked but wanted to put a creative twist on it so this is what I came up with. My aunt loved it and had Stefano really showed up (and existed), she'd be wearing a pair of sunglasses with me. The picture of Stefano is an Italian actor who is mighty handsome. ;o)

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  23. One needn't necessarily have a Danger Garden to realize the flaw in "Naked Gardening".

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    1. I suppose if I had a walled garden with VERY HIGH WALLS I might give it a try. I'd probably just end up with a sunburn that was hard to explain.

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  24. Ha ha – to be honest I could do with any help in my garden right now – even Mr Bean – if he didn’t ruin too many plants! Mind you, normally I prefer to do the gardening myself, but as I am moving house right now the work is getting a bit too much for even me.

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    1. You definitely need help! I'll send Stefano right over. ;o)

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  25. Haha, too funny! Who in the world thought of Naked Gardening Day?! Obviously, not a gardener. (It was probably someone hoping to hire a Stephano!) Hope nobody tries to weed poison ivy on Naked Gardening Day. I might have to sit that gardening holiday out. Or rather in.

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    1. I spent it gardening fully clothed. There is a garden in England where the gardeners are nudists. Maybe they were the ones who started it. They might have wanted some company. :o)

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  26. Hahahaha...I'm still laughing:) Oh, you've given me a good start to the morning, Tammy:) No Naked Gardening Day for me, thank you very much--if my kids saw me, they'd be rushing to fill out the forms for the Home as quickly as possible. But I certainly could use some gardening assistance myself and would be just as happy to have a Mr. Bean as a Stephano as long as he knew the difference between creeping charlie and a geranium.

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    1. You should Google 'Ruth Stout garden naked' and you'll find links to the story of an amazing woman who indeed gardened naked. She's an interesting lady with quite a story.

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  27. There are tears running down my cheeks I am laughing so hard. What a crushing disappointment!

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    1. Stefano, Stefano, where art thou, oh sweet Stefano.... ;o)

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  28. I love stopping by your blog-you always make me laugh!!! Too funny:-) I love the part about the dark sunglasses and he won't know where you are looking-now that is a plan!!! Too funny:-) Sadly, I will be pulling my own weeds..hmmm....but I am inspired by your post:-)LOL

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    1. Had Stefano shown up it would have been impossible not to enjoy the fabulous manscaping. ;o)

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  29. Thanks for the morning laugh! Sorry you were left pulling your own weeds but Stefano had a lot of work to do here and somehow time just slipped away.

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    1. I did find his absence very suspicious. ;o)

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  30. Tammy you crack me up...upon my word....Stefano would have my blood boiling too.

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    1. It would be impossible to remain calm, cool, and collected with him around. :o)

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  31. That is the funniest thing I've read in quite awhile! :-) Thanks for giving me a good laugh!!

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  32. Best laugh I've had in a loooong time! Thank you :)

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