Thursday, February 12, 2015

How to Love a Gardener: A Guidebook

I'm convinced most gardeners see the world a bit differently than others. We all know real love is announced through all the small things that are - or are not - done through out the year rather than a single grand gesture on a manufactured holiday. But if you wanted to woo your favorite gardener, how would you do it? Rest easy and follow these steps. You are guaranteed to make an impression.



When the gardener is covered with compost and sweat, avoid statements such as, "What the hell happened to you? Were you hit by a a manure truck?" and "Sweet Mother of God, you smell like a goat." Instead, while they're showering find a way to make dinner magically appear, quickly pay the delivery person, and open a bottle of wine.  



Instead of traditional chemical-laden roses and cheap box of candy, consider this approach, "I've hired David Austin and his landscaping crew to dig up the rest of the lawn and personally select a dozen of his most fragrant roses for you to enjoy all summer. When I told them I was trying to romance you, he suggested I buy the 'In the Mood' package." 


Hey, baby! The landscapers are here!

Instead of telling the gardener the pink things by the yellow flowers next to the bushes look good, try Latin. "The planting of silene and tulips near the osmanthus 'Goshiki' is beautiful" just might help you get lucky. But butchering the Latin and telling them the "sireen and tulips by the gohsweeki are really nice" is probably better than nothing.




But if you really want some lovin', snuggle up close and whisper in his/her ear, " I cleaned, sharpened, and organized all your tools."


84 comments:

  1. Ha, ha, ha, thanks for making me laugh first thing this morning, Tammie:) I would even be happy with a gift certificate to my favorite nursery.

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  2. Superb!!!
    Happy Valentine Day and Happy Each and Every Gardening Day!

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  3. LOVE the gardeners! I agree with everything you said. And say. :)

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    1. Thanks! They are a funny bunch. If they showed up with shovels, I'd laugh til I passed out.

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  4. Where on earth did you get the image of the 'landscapers'? It reminds me of my horticulture therapy days at the nursing home.

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    1. The pic came from Google Images. Did you have a lot of naked old men in the nursing home garden?

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  5. That last one really made me laugh, maybe because I really need my tools sharpened.

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    1. Me, too. I think it was wishful thinking. :o)

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  6. Great post, I laughed out loud. The problem is when my F. comes home I am the stinky sweatening, muddy gardener and not he and he tells me...... After a shower I also have to cook, no delivery person, but we will have a glass of wine. Haha, I don't want naked landscapers in my garden. Cleaning and sharpening garden tools I leave to F., I really make a mess of the tools they are always on all places but not where they belong.

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    1. If you laughed out loud, then mission accomplished. :o) My husband is very quick to cook dinner or order a pizza, etc when I'm in the garden all day til dark, which I always appreciate.

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  7. Brilliant post. Here's another idea. Just say, "Plant whatever you like, darling, you're a brilliant garden designer and I love everything you do! Piet Oudolf should be asking you for advice!"

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  8. Um yes....reading this to the hubs tonight! Wishing you a wonderful day dear friend!! You are the best! This was awesome! Nicole xo

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    1. Thanks! I hope he gets some good ideas or his side of the bed might be very cold....

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  9. As always, your the funniest blogger! When Piet Oudolf comes to ask your advice, let us hope he agrees with what the David Austin landscaping crew is doing with the rest of the lawn.

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    1. They'd have a huge argument over ornamental grass versus roses. My money's on the old guys. ;o)

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  10. I think maybe I need to print this post and leave it out for my husband. Actually, I'm lucky - my love doesn't know the name of the vast majority of my plants and he's terribly color-blind (you should see what happens when he dresses without supervision) but he always jumps in to help with the nastiest jobs in the garden. So I'm keeping him even if delivery of chocolate and flowers on Valentine's Day is unlikely.

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    1. My husband and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. I much prefer an unexpected surprise on another day than the obligatory roses and candy gift. But he's very willing to carry heavy bags of compost, etc for me and is always very supportive. :o)

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  11. We're all sick to death of Suze Orman. Next time there is a pledge drive I want a Tammy seminar on wooing with style.

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    1. Ha ha ha ha ha!! I'm not sure how successful you'll be but we'll all have fun. :o)

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  12. I've forwarded on your post to Paddy, my Irish/Italian Studmuffin. He never gets me chemical laden roses because he knows I will settle for nothing less than long stemmed French tulips. Whatya gonna do? I like what I like. Now where in the name of all that is holy did you find that photo of those ....ahem....gentlemen in their birthday suits walking down the path? I'm thinking of making the photo of Daniel Craig my computer wallpaper. God I adore that man. I never cared for blondes before, but for him, I'll make an exception. -:))

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    1. I asked my husband years ago never to give me flowers unless there were roots attached since I don't like stuffy florist arrangements. But French tulips sound wonderful! I found the pic of the naked old guys on Google Images and thought it was too funny to pass up. :o) As for Daniel Craig, he does have that special something, doesn't he?

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  13. Too funny, that made my day! I saw another thoughtful gardener gift--a heart-shaped box like for chocolates, but the compartments were filled with different kinds of seeds. I would accept either.

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    1. Hooray! I would love a box of seeds. :o)

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  14. Too funny!! My husband fixed and oiled my Felco pruners, does that count??

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  15. That made me laugh Tammy, my husband sees me in mucky work clothes most days and always helps with the heavy stuff, he sends a card and I usually forget. I think he is a keeper!

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    1. My husband once told me I looked sexy when I was covered in dirt and wearing rain boots. He must have either fallen on his head or confused me for someone else.

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  16. Oh, you crack me up. Hubby has been out cleaning up the garden since he didn't do it last fall. He worked corn harvest for nearly 2 months, so he didn't get his own work done. At least he does garden fully clothed. Happy Valentine's Day.

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  17. Brilliant as always! Happy Valentine's Day!

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  18. Other Half is well trained. A glass of wine is top of the list.

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    1. Wine should always be at the top of every list.

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  19. Hahahaha....you are just brilliant....you do make me laugh! I loved all of this...even though I had to avert my eyes when I came across the David Austin landscaping crew....I mean.....well....they are wearing shoes for god sakes!!!
    I hope your tools are sharpened and the wine shall be flowing tomorrow!xxx

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    1. Thank you! The nothing-but-shoes gardening apparel was just so funny. I'm glad their feet are well covered. ;o)

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  20. Lovely landscape gardeners Tammy!
    Happy Valentine's day!

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  21. I can' t get the image of your saggy -bottomed landscapers out of my mind. If I had landscapers and they wanted to take their clothes off, I wouldn't let them unless they had nice apple- like bums. I wouldn't mind then.

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    1. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! If a bunch of round-bottomed men wanted to stroll around my garden naked, I wouldn't mind, either. ;o)

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  22. Haha, too funny!! I'm going to take that 'In the Mood' package by David Austin, though would they perhaps allow us to choose from a different assortment of landscapers? ;)

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  23. Thanks for putting a smile on my face. Loved those cheeky gardeners. I do agree that small things make a difference, even in a garden.

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    1. Ha ha ha!! They are a bit cheeky, aren't they? Very funny!

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  24. Funny and true! When I've thought about hiring nude landscapers, my vision was slightly different. Oh well, if a girl's on a budget...

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    1. I hope no one tells these men they're part of the budget plan! But my vision of a naked male gardener definitely looks drastically different from that picture. Must save money...

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  25. When it has been hot I have been known to garden in my underwear but never nude - it must be very liberating if not fraught with danger - just watch what you're doing with the hedge trimmer my dear. And my husband has been known to say I stink like a goat (but that was when I kept goats) so I wasn't offended.

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    1. That is so awesome! You must have a thick hedge or wall. I have zero privacy in my garden so if I gardened naked I would end up You Tube under Worst Videos of the Year. But I definitely agree that sharp trimmers and naked bodies are a very bad combination. That would be an injury that might be hard to explain.

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  26. Hi Tammy - that is utterly funny and brilliant and I couldn't agree more! If I'm out to get my way in anything, more climbing roses, clematis or agreement to dig up more grass for border and I'm just not getting anywhere, I don the safety boots, tight shorts, tool-belt wife beater and for the killer - a pencil stuck behind one ear.

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    1. I laughed so hard at this comment! Who can resist a sexy gardening nerd? Your wife probably resists just so you'll put those shorts on! She's probably thinking, "If I just say no one more time, he'll get out that pencil and I'll be weak in the knees."

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  27. Oh this made me laugh...both in words and pictures....I love the landscapers!

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    1. This entire post started with the Talk Nerdy to Me picture. :o) The landscapers have been a huge hit. The fact they they're only wearing shoes/socks is just too funny.

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  28. You always entertain...and yes those are perfect things to say to a gardener...oh my tools sharpened...sigh.

    Jen

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    1. My tools desperately need to be sharpened but with the exception of my pruners, they're all so cheap I'm not sure it's worth the expense. But much credit goes to my husband for always taking care of dinner when I'm gardening. He'd starve if he didn't.

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  29. You never fail to make me laugh! My favourite is the tool cleaning. What I won't do for a nice sharp pair of pruners.

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  30. A late happy Valentines Day my friend! Love your post, you are so much fun! My sweetie is pretty good at throwing down compost mulch for me but I do notice he is a bit more generous on his parts of the garden!! Even it up fella! Sheesh! He does crack open some cold ones at 5 ish though. Tastes pretty dArn good :)

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    1. Thanks! My guy is great at moving bags of mulch where ever I need them moved, takes care of dinner, and is very supportive. But he is mostly banned from mulching because he buries everything alive. :o)

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  31. The sight of Mr Craig naked, looking wantonly at me...no one else!!! Just ME...turned my brain, legs & other dangly limbs to mush. I have lost the ability to speak & am now a dribbling mess of a woman. I have no idea what you were rambling on about....but I do that know that Mr Bond was oggling ME!!!!!

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  32. I am not sure which I would prefer: that team of landscapers or the cleaned, sharpened and organized tools. Would it be too much to ask for both?Surely that would mean true, undying love!

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    1. I want both, too!! I think it demonstrates true commitment. ;o)

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  33. LOL-I missed this posts-too funny! You are a very "witty" gal! Those naked landscaper men -well-like I always say leave the "naked" to the young ones! My first impression was "saggy baggy elephant":-) I would not be caught dead naked in my garden! I might stun someone to death!

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    1. The only way I will ever be naked in my total-lack-of-privacy garden is if I am dead!

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  34. You crack me up, girl. And I think one of those guys used to be my plumber - kinda recognize some of that anatomy. Hope you are doing okay in this weather. Ice is the worse. P.S. Any guy who shows up with a bag of deer-b-gone, forget romance, he gets in the will! LOL

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    1. Ha ha ha ha!! I once had a pair of pants that were cut a little too low but I didn't realize it until I bent down in front of my mother in law and she got an eye full of booty. The enjoyment of shocking her was worth it! Maybe I should do it again.... ;o)

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  35. Oh Tammy, you crack me up! This is the funniest post I've seen in ages. Love your gardeners - my husband would never do that for me (even though I keep asking him to.)

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  36. BEST VALENTINE's BLOG POST EVER!!!! Seriously.

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  37. Thanks for the laughs! That was hilarious!

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    1. A silly holiday needed a silly post. :o)

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  39. What a laugh! The Daniel Craig pic - well!! - even better with the dialogue! In my dreams! ��

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    1. Daniel Craig makes me weak in the knees. Too bad he isn't on the landscaping crew!

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  40. I have never gotten so dirty as when gardening. Not even farm work, since that doesn't involve practically wallowing in the dirt. :)

    You're outdoing yourself lately.

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    1. Me, neither! But it's the best kind of dirty. Thanks!

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