Wednesday, August 31, 2011

GOOPS - August

I started posting my GOOPS last month after getting the idea from Laurrie of My Weeds Are Very Sorry.  A GOOPS is a Gardeners OOPS and I have an endless supply.  My biggest garden-related problem today was trying to decide which one to feature. I considered several, from trees planted way too close, to my Leaning Tower of Sedum, but it was the utterly pathetic sight of my dalea, lying prostrate and miserable on the mulch, that sealed the deal.


Aren't these beautiful? They look so happy! I assure you this picture DID NOT come from my garden.(http://www.krischanphoto.com/gardens/prairie/dalea/dalea%20purpurea.htm)

Wait, you didn't know I had dalea in the garden? That's okay. The dalea wishes there wasn't dalea in the garden, either. So, how miserable is the dalea? Very. If my dalea had limbs they would have packed their bags and left by now. If they had fingers and access to the Internet, they would have written a scathing tell-all about the wretched moron who planted them in the absolute wrong spot next to a clump of scheming daffodils in too much shade. They'd have an agent and would be making the talk show circuit as I type. The Grand Finale would come when they threw a chair at the daffodils and their fading foliage on live TV and, yes, it would be all my fault.

Oooh! Another pretty picture! These look way too happy and vertical to be my dalea.( http://fwp.mt.gov/education/youth/lewisAndClark/plants/purple.html)

That the dalea are even alive is a testament to the fact that they are growing just to remind me of what happens when you garden while temporarily insane. If they died, they couldn't torture me with obsessive thoughts about how I can remedy the situation. I would simply feel like an idiot, get over it, and then fill their spot with something else. I might even blame them for their failure to thrive. But no... Dalea are very smart and they have me cornered. Leave them where they are and let me feel like I've had a garden lobotomy or figure out where to move them.

I went to the dalea, my head hung low and apologized. The sedum snickered and the agastache just rolled their eyes. "I have a spot for you in the new design of my front garden", I whispered. "You'll have a lot more sun and no daffodils trying to suffocate you as you wake next spring. Just hang in there until it's cool and moist enough to start the Happy Plant Hokey Pokey. You'll be one of the first plants out and the first plants in. I promise." Their thin little bodies shuddered and their stunted leaves pushed against the mulch. A deep voice, cracked with fatigue, began to rumble through the garden.

"Tammy.... Tammy.... Tammy...."

"Yeah?" I responded nervously, my hands beginning to shake.

"Bend down and say hello to my little friend."


"Holy cr*p! That's enough! I'm moving you! I'm moving you!!" I yelled, heading for the house.

"We've paid our dues -
Time after time -
We've done our sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
She's made a few

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
'Cause we are the champions - of the world!"

When your plants start quoting lines from Scarface and singing Queen, just admit defeat and run for the house. Fast!

 Absolute

 Total

 Misery

(Honestly, this entire little section of the garden is a complete wreck and is being redesigned.)

16 comments:

  1. I giggled all the way through this post. This would be a great one to link to the Summer Garden Lessons Learned meme--my current post. Cheers!

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  2. Even your plants have a sense of humor! :) Hope your plants like their new home and will be singing you praises very soon.

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  3. Ha! This was hysterical. I can only go out in my garden if I think my plants won't criticize me; now you have me wondering if they do. We have all tortured our plants by putting them in the wrong place. I just didn't know they could be so vocal about it!

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  4. Bratty children, they always blame their mother. You do the best you can and little rewards come from the slackers.

    On the other hand, my plants are sitting in a swimming pool under a market umbrella (still) listening to me promise... "Just hang in there until it's cool and moist enough." Some are patiently waiting, some have left the building.

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  5. if my plants could talk I think I'd be in for a tongue lashing. I'm sure all will be forgiven when a more suitable spot is found.

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  6. lol You need to harden your heart a little. I don't take any lip from my plants, even if their misery could be construed as my fault. ;)

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  7. Very funny! At least you can laugh at some of the disappointments. I look forward to seeing your new spot.

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  8. Tammy, THANKS for the info about the Belladonna lily. I just ordered some to give 'em a try!! Thanks for looking out for me :-)

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  9. Jennifer@threedogsinagarden
    Tammy, This was such a funny post that I was laughing all the way through. Garden plants writing scathing tell-alls and throwing chairs on TV- you have such an imagination! Maybe after you get finished teaching you should write books for kids or adults. Come to think of it- maybe you shouldn't wait that long! I'd be one of the first in line to buy anything you write.

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  10. You're funny! I think all my plants are cussing at me right now. They want to be moved to Colorado. :)
    Also, thanks for the bulb tip. That one sounds like it might speak nicely in my garden.

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  11. Thank you for making me laugh! I love reading about other people's gardening mistakes (it's good to know I am not the only one). I like gardening partly because my plants (unlike yours it seems) suffer in silence.

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  12. Your dalea could be in group therapy with a few of my own plants! We all make misakes. At least you know what's wrong. I hate it I have done everything right as far as I know, but still the plant fails. That means I will probably make the same mistake, whatever it was, again.

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  13. And thanks for giving me the name of your humidity resistant lavender. I will definitely be trying Royal Velvet English Lavender!

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  14. Hahaha!!! I love this! You saw my dehydrated desert container GOOPS - thanks for sharing your garden mishaps too!

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  15. Fun post!

    Your prairie clovers actually look better than all but one of mine that I planted this spring. The rabbits have been eating them. I put some wire hanging baskets that are for putting moss liners in over them, and that seems to have helped some. I think the little bunnies can still get in there, though. They just seem to be growing slowly.

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