Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Gettin' Naked at Shrubs and Suds

In honor of World Naked Gardening Day, I decided to have a little fun. 
Welcome to Shrubs and Suds!



Reginald - customer

We was havin' a party, you see, and none uh youse was s'posed to be there. My buddy Fergus works at this crazy joint called Shrubs and Suds and the new owner was away. The owner, he don't always keep tabs on what's going on and his employees be runnin' amuck when he ain't lookin'. And sometimes, he just ain't lookin'. But Fergus told me it was Garden Naked Day and we was gonna be goin' to a party, a naked party. 


Sweetie Magee - shrub girl

Oh My God... The hairiest man I have ever seen keeps talking to me about a party. I'm going home.



Fergus - Manager

Reginald ruins everything. No one was having a party except me. Shrubs and Suds isn't your typical garden center. When the original owner couldn't decide between opening a brewery or a nursery, he just crammed the two together and decided beer might help business. But the new guy is never around and I'm running the place myself. I like it.  


I'd closed us down for World Naked Gardening Day and had moved all the biggest evergreens into a circle behind the brew house. I had big plans to strip naked and water my trees. Sometimes a man just has to let everything fly free, ya know? I'd left a little gap between two hollies so I could watch Trudy's sweet round bottom sway as she poured beer. I was buck naked with a beautiful dame in my sights. 

Trudy - barmaid

I hate working Saturday's but couldn't get anyone to cover my shift. Fergus had closed the garden center and was hiding in the hollies. That man, he's a lurker, always lurking around whenever I'm working talking to me about plants. If I wanted a shrub, I'd go buy a damn shrub. Another year in this crazy place and then I'm outta here.



So I'm pouring beer to a bunch of plant nerds when Reginald shows up without a stitch of clothing on. He climbs on a bar stool and slaps the counter and says, "I'll take a beer and a bag of your best compost." I took one look at him and told him to get his hairy butt outta my bar. If I wanted to see a big naked butt, I'd go in the bathroom and look at my own. So he turns and says as sweet as can be, "Make that two bags, please."

So I'm yellin', "Fergus! Put yer damn pants on and get over here!" Fergus had been lurking behind the brewhouse giving Fred and the boys a bit of fresh air and didn't think I knew. Meanwhile, I'm making plans to burn that stool. Fergus finally shows up all red and flustered and tells Reginald to put some clothes on. I turned off all the taps, switched the sign to CLOSED and went home. Gardeners are strange enough when they're dressed but now they're doing it naked. Maybe I should retire early.

28 comments:

  1. I think I'll steer clear of Shrubs and Suds. I make enough reckless purchases at the garden center without the aid of beer.

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    1. But you might come home with some very interesting purchases. :o)

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  2. Oh, Tammy - you just made me laugh out loud! What a great cast of characters - I think Trudy's my fave...

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    1. I think she would be hysterical work with!

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  3. You're never going to let us forget world naked gardening day, are you?!

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  4. My garden is a bit too exposed for my naked gardening comfort. Plus it's about 40 degrees here this a.m. Why can't naked gardening day be in July for us Northern Hemisphere types?

    Funny post, Tammy. And I bet the title gets you a LOT of Google traffic! ;-)

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  5. Well done Tammy! It was a bit scary scrolling down the page - I really didn't want a big hairy butt with my elevenses! Thank you for saving me from that experience. For you - this.....
    http://perennial.org.uk/gardeners-strip-off-for-perennials-naked-gardeners-calendar/

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    1. Thanks! I've heard of that calendar before! Very funny!

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  6. After a quick look at the first image I had to pick the right time before reading on. Then I realised there was never going to be a right time so I got a bottle of beer, snapped the cap off with my teeth and settled in. Another winner, Tammy.

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    1. I added a less terrifying picture to the top of the post! Reginald definitely makes an impact. ;o)

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  7. Too funny Tammy girl ;-)
    Canada tries to have a companion holiday with you guys but .. hum ... naked gardening up north can be a bit of a challenge for us and the wildlife .. we might have to pass on that one but the thought ? will keep me laughing a LONG time ! LOL
    I some how recognize these characters .. are you sure they aren't originally Canadian but fell in love with Donald Trump and moved south to be close to him and his ilk ? hehehe ... now he might go for Shrubs'N Suds" just to weed out his unwanted types (seeing them fully naked he would be able to spot those imports ? hehehe)
    OK .. now I am just too silly .. bed time !
    Rock on girl ... and wow .. love that clematis Fair Rosamond !

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    1. I will be fully clothed that day, for sure!

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  8. I think I was at a beer garden like this in my college days.
    Ray

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  9. Hahahaha, I think you should write a book, Tammy, when you're not busy teaching or gardening naked that is:) I think I'll pass on celebrating this year--I've got scratches all over my arm from digging and weeding too close to a rose bush, I don't need any more in strange places:)

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    1. I skipped the celebrations, too, but it's fun to write about!

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  10. I have to echo what Rose says--you SHOULD write a funny gardening book, not one of these pretentious know-it-all ones AND I don't even want to THINK about where some of the scratches would end up if I were a naked gardener.

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    1. I like the thought of writing a book but I'm not sure I could carry a whole novel. Short, silly pieces are my specialty. :o)

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  11. Hello Tammy, I would have taken part in World Naked Gardening Day but for two reasons, the first is that I didn't know it was on and the second is that it's been a cold spring and some delicates have yet to thaw out.

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  12. Scary stuff. Specially Reginald. There used to be a famous garden here called The Abbey garden in Wiltshire which was beautiful but became famous because the owners always gardened naked. And invited visitors to take their clothes off. They are divorced now.I don' t think gardening goes with nudity. I do myself enough injury with clothes on. Besides I don' t want to scare the neighbours.

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    1. I've heard of that garden! I can't imagine gardening naked. Maybe they should have left their clothes on!

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  13. Haha! Brilliant - what hilarious characters! Wouldn't want to try that here as you would get mosquito bites in very uncomfortable areas!!

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    1. I can just imagine someone scratching one of those bites in public! Ha ha ha ha!!!

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