This is not a happy post but a wholly accurate retelling of absolute failure. Last year, after the infamous Sweetbox Situation, I resolved to become a classy gardener. I did not succeed.
I suppose I should have started by finally donning all those matching gardening outfits that keep popping up or toning down the sassy innuendo. But where's the fun in that? When dozens of light pink seedlings sprang up in my garden after I caught my windblown 'Nicky' and 'David' phlox intertwined like lovers, I suppose I should have quietly commented, "Oh my!" and averted my eyes instead of making Baby Daddy jokes. But I didn't. Instead I laughed and asked if his bloom was as big as his boast. 'Nicky' turned hot pink but didn't respond. Points scored? Zero
(Used with permission from the unsuspecting Odd Sock Blog.)
My 'David' was in too much shade to be this studly but he keeps popping up all over the garden, always ready for a bit of lovin'.
Deep in the dregs of winter 2014 and in desperate need of lush landscapes, I settled in for a few hours of Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice. An intelligent movie was just what I needed to clear my head of all my naughty David jokes but by the middle of the film I was ready to trade in my tea for something stronger. English gardens and sweeping vistas couldn't make up for all the propriety and tension and in typical Tammy-style I started yelling at the TV.
"Enough with all the small talk, Elizabeth! Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him and then kiss him again!" I would have definitely taken my advice but I don't think I scored any extra points.
Colin Firth as Mr Darcy, who really needs to lighten up.
Since none of my heckling had rewritten Pride and Prejudice, I tried a different tactic. Maybe I would try being more cultured by embracing my inner Ginger Rogers with dancing lessons. But I shook my booty too much for ballroom and didn't want to waltz. Points scored? Zero
The final verdict came this fall as I crouched in the garden, eagerly digging up plants for my annual transplant-a-thon, also known as the Happy Plant Hokey Pokey. As one plant came out and another went in, I heard a rip and suddenly froze. Hidden behind a wall of foliage, I bent down to asses the damage. A huge gash in my favorite gardening pants had left my underwear on full display. With my other pair in the wash and unwilling to finish up for the day, I did what any fabulous gardener would do. I laughed at myself, adjusted my pants, and just kept gardening.
Classy points = Zero
Life's Too Short to Care points = A lot
Classy is as classy does, honey, and I'm practically the Ritz.
Who needs class when you've got sass? And you have that in spades.
ReplyDeleteI've heard that before. I wonder why? ;o)
DeleteGood luck with the classy gardening. Happy New Year Tammy.
ReplyDeleteI need all the luck I can get because I think this die is cast! ;o)
DeleteI wish you happy, classy gardening year 2015, Tammy!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Happy New Year to you, too! :o)
DeleteStrive for class but keep that wonderful sense of humor. Failures just indicate that you were working toward something.
ReplyDelete'Class in 2015' -- a great resolution.
I'm a category unto myself regardless of how we qualify it and I'm just fine with that. :o)
DeleteWhat a great way to start the New Year--with a hearty laugh, thanks to you, Tammy:) Love the new garden get-up! From one definitely un-classy gardener to another, a very Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteIf you laughed and had a happy moment, then mission accomplished! :o)
DeleteGoodness Tammy, is that teachers' uniform!? It's funny how you write about classiness as I wonder about whether we fit well into the classiness of our new street. The car's a banger with dents and scrapes, I dress in shredded clothes when gardening and I don't see any issue with leaving large piles of bagged horse manure on the drive for all those passing to see. Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteI'm very appropriate and professional at work! But the whole point of my ridiculous New Years posts is to just point out not to take life so seriously and to always be willing to laugh at ourselves. I bought the cheap costume just for this post but my family is so used to my wackiness, they just shook their heads. My daughter told me last night I needed a permit for all my crazy. :o)
DeleteClassy gardening is for woosies. I much prefer ragged nails, exposed bloomers and dirty jeans. All the best to you and your garden in the new year!
ReplyDeleteI agree! Best wishes to you, too! :o)
DeleteWell, if that's your gardening outfit, I'd like to see what you wear when you go out for a posh dinner! ;) Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteWhat's funny about that photo is how serious and threatening I look when actually my daughter and I were laughing so hard that was the only usable photo. I look like a hyena in all the others. I look like I'm about to whack someone with that shovel. Plus, I was freezing and just wanted to finish up. :o) I only wear the pirate costume on very special occasions and never out to dinner!
Deletewas that your car I saw yesterday?
ReplyDeleteWith the reindeer antlers?
Not at all! I'm very low-key about the holidays. But it might have been a friend of mine.... :o)
DeleteHi Tammy, classy can be just plain boring and tied up and that is definitely what you are not ;-)! So what is the point of striving to go there, anyway! Wishing you a wonderful New Year 2015 and looking forward to another year of following your blog! It is for sure one of the most unique ones out there.
ReplyDeleteWarm regards,
Christina
I like being a bit unique. It makes life more interesting. :o)
DeleteWhere would we be without your "sassy innuendo"? I fear, my dear, it would be a high-class bore.
ReplyDeleteI don't do repression very well. Boring people seem miserable to me.
DeleteHA! Let me just pick myself off the floor right now! You had me...you totally got me with this one! And you are always a class act in book buddy! That outfit ROCKS! It is just too perfect for words! And on the class bit....we actually looked at a house yesterday that had more of a "classy" garden/house and I kept thinking is this me? Could I actually pull off gardening in a space like this? The answer is no. It ain't me! I need an outfit like yours and I will just meet you outback for a drink! Happy New Year Tam!!! All the best buddy!!! Nicole xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt took a while to find just the right level of absurdity for this post. I had another costume in mind but couldn't resist being a pirate for a few minutes. When I told my family I'd bought a pirate costume, they were like, "Of course you did." Girl, if you pour that drink, I'll be there!
DeleteGreat Tammy! You kept gardening with a hole in your pants!
ReplyDeleteLove your sense of humor, happy new 2015 year!
I was grateful for all the plants between me and my neighbor's yard! I was well hidden. But if he had come over to chat, I would have had a lot of explaining to do. :o)
DeleteArgghh! Pirate gardenin' lass ye' be! Thanks for the funny story, and many good wishes for the New Year! -Beth
ReplyDeleteThanks! I think it's good to start with a laugh. :o)
DeleteI think you were right on point with your assessment of dear David. He definitely likes to play the field--pun intended. :) ... I can't tell you how many times I've been fiddling away in the garden swathed in what any self respecting neighbor would consider inappropriate attire. I figure anyone who is nosy enough to peak over the fence gets the eyeful they deserve. I don't think anyone, anywhere on planet Earth would use the word "classy" to describe me. Oh well. My flowers love me and classy is relative. Great post, Tammy. Thanks for the laughs.
ReplyDeleteHe is a rather popular fellow with my phloxy ladies. He breezes in, has a bit of fun, and then is off as soon as the wind blows. I have zero privacy in my garden but fortunately don't have nosy neighbors or they would have gotten an eyeful. Classy IS absolutely relative. What some consider classy I consider boring.
DeleteHahahaha (as my daughter would text me). Please define "classy." According to Merriam-Webster.com, it can mean "having qualities that make someone or something special and attractive" and/or "showing impressive character: very good, kind, etc." Check! ;-)
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh! I think I might qualify!! ;o)
DeleteYour sense of humour is a blessing! Happy New Year, Tammy! Wishing you health, happiness and more wonderful photos for 2015!
ReplyDeleteMy humor makes up for what I lack such as map reading and math skills. But at least I can laugh about it. :o)
DeleteYou ARE the Ritz daahling. I want to know where to get your outfit--I think it would juice things up considerably in my neighborhood!
ReplyDeleteI do a lot of shopping deep in the jungles of Amazon.com. :o)
DeleteYou're back! I've missed you. I don't know if I'm more shocked by your latest garden garb or by the fact that you used a photo (of David with the guitar) produced by my brother, Eric of The Odd Sock blog. I for one am pleased to find that you're the same you in 2015.
ReplyDeleteOk, here's the scoop: I remember a post you did about Eric's blog and thought his title was really fun. A few days later I saw this pic and realized it was his. But it took about a year to figure out how to weave it into a post. I didn't tell him I followed your blog when I asked his permission. I thought I'd let it be a surprise if he ever popped over to see how the pic was used. I needed a pic that showed David as a bit of a badboy and I definitely didn't want one with his willy hanging out. As for the costume, I bought it just for this post. The boots are from a post I did 2 years ago called Welcome to Dirtworks and have been a small running joke ever since. :o)
DeleteAs for posts in 2015, You have set the bar fairly high. Your sense of humor and use of metaphor is splendid and I look forward to more. Thank you visiting the Garden Spot and leaving kind comments. I have so enjoyed reading about your gardening adventures. What do you have in store for us in '15? Happy New Year.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ann! I spend quite a bit of time writing/editing my posts but it's never a chore since I love to write. I have no idea what 2015 will bring! I have big seed starting plans and am working on another piece of garden art. :o)
DeleteSomeone (named Tammy) once commented on another blog, "you were born an original, don't die a clone." I knew the simple black dress and pearls pruning togs weren't the real you! I'll take sassy over classy any day but then, you have to consider the source. I failed at classy long ago - maybe we should form a support group.
ReplyDeleteI did say that, didn't I? :o) The black dress and pearls felt more like a costume than the pirate dress. Your sassiness is part of what makes you so wonderful so be sure to save me a seat at SassMasters. We're like Toastmasters but much funnier.
Deletehappy new year Tammy, look forward to more laughs in 2015.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to you, too! :o)
DeleteWhat an amazing outfit. Now that' s what I call class. I look like an old bag lady when I garden. I really must take a leaf out of your book and go for a more sophisticated look. I bet you scare the weeds into submission.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year Tammy.
I always look pretty hideous, too, but horrifying my neighbors is half the fun. We had to be very careful how we shot this photo because the dress is so short! I look like I'm about to whack someone with that shovel but if I did too much with my legs, too much skin was showing, which made me uncomfortable. I'm a goofball but not an exhibitionist. I hadn't thought about scaring my weeds. I have a patch of something weedy in my rain garden so I may have to put this on again and give it a try!
DeleteClassy is as classy does, sister. And you have always been in a class by yourself!! So, go to the head of the class. We learn, we listen and, boy howdy, we enjoy your lessons. So, take heart, take care and every onward into 2015 where the gardens await your tender ministrations. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteLaugh about it, learn from it, and move on is how I get through life. So far, it's working. :o) Cheers to you , too!
DeleteWonderful! You "fail" in such wonderful ways... Keep shaking that booty and why on earth would ripped trousers be allowed to stop crucial gardening... Mind you, that is one of the downsides of my having a large and very public front garden now, I suddenly have to be more aware about what might inadvertently be put on show, depending on which disreputable gardening clothes I am sporting... Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteThanks! The dance instructor kept giving me the stink eye and my dance partner was a very prim older gentlemen who probably ironed his underwear and wore too much cologne. Each class was an adventure. I'm definitely more aware of what I'm wearing in the garden when I'm in my front garden as opposed to the back. In the back, anything clean and holey is fair game. I've probably given my neighbors an eyeful over the years. ;o)
DeleteTammy I was looking forward to this years posts but I did not anticipate this so early in the year....I am cracking to hell up....you never disappoint.
ReplyDeleteWhen my gardening pants rip is when I stop and put underwear on underneath if not my poor butt crack would be exposed.......you on the other hand start out by wearing underwear....how lady like.
Love the classy getup by the way.
I was howling with laughter at your comment!! You are the best!! It has never occurred to me to garden commando. Maybe I need to find underwear that have the words "High Class Dame'' written across them so the next time they end up on display, everyone will know I meant to do that!
DeleteRolling over at my desk with laughter....Tammy you are a killer.
DeleteMy girlfriend that lives in Virginia is the same, I'm beginning to think it's something in the Virginia water or air.
Failed at classy?
ReplyDeleteYou have glazed ceramic planters, I thought that trumps every pink flamingo and pirate outfit. Viva la 2015!
Frank
Why yes I do! I must have forgotten how fancy I am. ;o)
DeleteYippee you are back.... In spades!!! 2015 has definitely started on a great note. Classy shmassy , you're the best and we all know it! Good thing ( maybe) you weren't gardening commando when your pant seams decided to part company!!! Your pirate costume is fantastic and those boots!! I kept thinking wow they sure must have warmer weather where she lives, or she has frozen solid..,,she has become her own garden art, now that would give the neighbours something to talk about. Keep on keeping on toots , you da bomb!!!!
ReplyDeleteAwww...thanks! This post has been about six months in the making. I was freezing!! But it was tons of fun. Finding just the right costume took a while. :o) I've been wearing the boots once a year on the blog since 2012. It's ridiculous and absurd but so is life so I've created my own weird tradition. Those boots are tight so making sure they always fit keeps me away from the cookie tray. Oh, the sacrifice! ;o)
DeleteYou are absolutely hysterical!!! I love visiting here, a good laugh is guaranteed!!! What a fab post to open the new year with, I have to disagree, you are a truly class act!!! That last pic is utterly priceless, as are you!!!!xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks! I like starting the new year off with a laugh. What's so funny is that I can barely walk in those boots. I usually have to carry them down the stairs and them put them on.
DeleteI just read your post aloud to Judy. Very funny! Don't worry, you have plenty of class, you are just incapable of being pretentious. You're garden wardrobe malfunction reminds me of a time when I was working on a campaign when things were in a state of high intensity. Unfortunately the back seem of my pants chose this moment to split open. I held the split together by applying a campaign bumper sticker and carried on.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh! That is fabulous! What a way to carry on. :o)
DeleteMy goodness, what a splendid outfit for gardening! I think my neighbours would have a fit if they ever saw me in anything even remotely resembling that – mind you, they have to endure me gardening in my dressing gown from time to time, and have never commentated on that so…you never know.
ReplyDeletePlease keep on giving us posts to smile about this year too, Happy New Year and all the best for 2015!
I garden in my pajamas, too. :o)
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year - a great outfit for gardening!! Sarah x
ReplyDeleteThanks! :o)
ReplyDeleteWhere did you find that outfit?? David is much more demure in my garden -- maybe because I mulch a lot (I have to, the dirt is poor here). Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteI found it at Amazon.com. :o) Phlox reseed like crazy for me. I find them every where. Happy New Year to you, too! :o)
DeleteI watched Pride and Prejudice and had the same thoughts. A garden should be joyful and not so serious as to hide the fun. ( But maybe it should have a hedge to give those kisses and ripped pants some privacy!) For you: Success!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't have done very well in that era. Everyone was so repressed and proper. But I would have definitely enjoyed sneaking kisses behind a hedge. As for those pants, they're in my sewing pile. :o)
DeleteYou are in a class all your own :)
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year!
Thanks!
DeleteHahahahaha! Happy New Year to you, you classy woman! Thanks for the Colin Firth photo - just what I needed on a dull January morning!
ReplyDeleteHe always perks up a dull day! :o)
DeleteYour in a class all of your own Tammy! I must confess that I am a bit intimidated to meet you. You seem like a very funny, flamboyant person and I am boring, boring, boring.
ReplyDeleteI have some seeds I will be sending your way shortly. Happy New Year!
Believe it or not, there's nothing flamboyant about me. I'm just goofy and can be quieter than people realize. Hooray for seeds! Yay!
DeleteThanks for the seeds!! :o)
DeleteI'd say you have short cut yourself on the classy point Tammy....you are all about class my friend. One of the synonyms for classy is sassy and I say you get an A+ for sass....in a good way!
ReplyDeleteI do have a sassy side, for sure! ;o)
DeleteOh, you have made me laugh on this cold, gray day! Love that outfit in the last picture! You're in a class by yourself! Have a great new year, classy or not!--Kimberley
ReplyDeleteThanks! :o)
Delete