The Ample Aunties of Prague

The disaster started small, as most disasters do. Snug against the side of the house, a wall of Prague viburnums stands guard, sturdy, reliable matrons in a sly seasonal dance. Green skirts hug the ground and not an ankle is bared. Full bossomed aunties with ample stomachs, they tower above my 5'8" frame, silently watching as I pass. I imagine they age as my dogs do, several years to the one, and cluck their tongues as I trot by, arms bursting with botanical babies eager to join the circus just past the garden gate.

Whether it was age or gravity, I do not know, but their perfect posture and sky-high height had begun to slump and bend, pulling towards the earth as a child leans for a toy. Arms reached out, patting and pinching as I passed, and my path began to veer to the right to avoid being consumed. Bending to tangle her fingers through my short hair, the boldest grew stronger as the weather warmed and I began to dread our meetings.

I hid the pruners behind my back and waited until birdsong distracted her, quickly cutting the branches that hung over the grass. Brave behind sharp blades, I cut deeper, thick branches and twiggy undergrowth falling round my feet. Embarrassed by our intimacy, I stepped back and gasped. Where once stood a dignified beauty, a tawdry hoochie now glared back. Bony ankles and long thin legs soared past the flowing skirts of her neighbors, their eyes averted, their tongues wagging. A flowing shawl of dark green framed a flat stomach and bare chest. She stood like a flamenco dancer, brazen and beautiful. Her layers of leaves lay thrown against the grass, see-through lingerie replacing the girdle and sensible shoes.

I stepped closer to survey the damage, the branches of her neighbors jabbing my sleeves and neck. I could hear them whispering and stood silently to listen. I smiled, agreed, and set to work. Off came the support bras, boring belts, and modest dresses. Like giggling schoolgirls changing behind a screen, they shimmied and shook, branches and leaves tossed with abandon. I cut and shaped, a dressmaker armed with pins and lace. Then stepping back to view my charges, I gasped once more. Long hair tossed to the side, they stood with hands on hips, bottoms breezy under miniskirts and tiny dresses. Full cleavage spilled from low cut tops, tight flower buds bursting from the fabric. New growth to hide their shameless posturing slowly grows beneath their skin, but for now they are free, high spirited youth bursting into spring.

The one that started it all... 

 The whole naughty bunch! My property on this side of the house is very shallow. Prague viburnums are evergreen, low-maintenance shrubs with white spring flowers. They provide excellent cover and nesting sites for birds.